Revision:
On window sill yellowed by time, a grotesque imitation sits on a stark plastic cylinder. Five small dinner plates stacked on each other, tethered by a three-foot extension cord. In its lonesome, atop this plastic podium a fuchsia flamingo made of neon worms waits. The first leg stands strong as straw in its toxic blue bath. The other bent, avoiding the electricity. Her symmetrical body balloons over from its lime roots. They removed her wings and his tail. Streamlined, featherless, flightless. From this a neck stems to support a head drooping in frozen melancholy. Her beak is black as silence. Two checkerboard palm trees loom over her while wearing their cheap shamrock toupees. Blinding fluorescence sets the stage for this one-dimensional standoff by shouting Corona.
If one prefers a cooler climate, they need not go far. Just three feet to the left the mighty Colorado Rockies challenge the bird. From here one can see the peak of an ancient mountain watches over. The whole world might be visible from all the way up there. Snow caps glow white as if to match the invisible clouds. What is beneath these invisible clouds? No one will ever know. The ancient mountain is dominated by a Coors Light logo larger than any valley or canyon that may have been. A radioactive curly-cew “Coors “ whimsically rests above a bold an even more oppressive white “LIGHT”.
In tandem, these signs cause an agony my eyes can endure no longer. My gaze falls on the only other object present: white styrofoam clam shell. I release its clasp to find not a pearl, but a week old egg roll.
Rewrite:
In today’s fast paced, ever changing world, it can seem difficult to do what’s important while also appreciating the world that surrounds us. Luckily, it is not hard to watch TV while enjoying nature (in the modern sense of the word). One must simply walk down the hall and plop down on the couch. This seat has the best view of the television. Not only that, but if it is possible to look a little to the left, even if it is just for commercials, one can marvel at a blindingly tropical oasis. A flamingo rigidly relaxes within its actively stagnant pool. Around her, frozen trees sway in the wind as l the glow of the sun radiates warmth from beneath the water.
Before returning to your regularly scheduled program, let us travel to a little cooler climate. By shifting attention just a little more to the left, one can gaze upon the vastly fluorescent Colorado Rockies as they shine up above. From atop this peak, it is possible to see everything. Below, the crimson river of Coors carves into the mountainside. And further below, the Light plateaus cut into the horizon. And if shellfish is what you prefer, look beneath the plateaus. Underneath swims a lonely styrofoam clam who has been waiting to be shucked for a week. If you are lucky, there might just be a surprise there.
For millennia human beings had to go outside to see experience these things but no longer is that the case. Now it can be viewed in all of its neon glory.
Process Notes:
The initial revision was tough because I noticed I had written many words to describe how the objects physically look, while neglecting to consider the feelings the elicit. I tried to use words throughout that would convey the emotions I felt when relooking at my objects as well as using more descriptive visual details. Even after revisions, I am still finding it very difficult to try to create vivid imagery. The rewrite I tried to experiment more and try to think outside of the box by abstracting descriptions of what I was seeing. After comparing my revision and my rewrite, I realize that the latter is far more vague than I would have liked and does not create much imagery unless the reader has been to this setting or seen similar signs. This could be because when rewriting, I was considering how my objects relate to my main social issue much more and was trying to get a clearer point across, but in doing so, the scene became much too vague.